6 Behaviors of Recovery

I no longer remember everything that was said during that first conversation, only the choking emotions that rose in my throat and the rage that exploded in my chest. I do, however, recall with complete clarity that J told me, "I can understand that you are hurt. This is more than just what I've done. This is touching on childhood trauma or something."

I sat up in the hammock where I'd been attempting to keep calm, and through decidedly un-zen, cleanched teeth yelled, "This is NOT childhood trauma. This is broken covenants trauma. This is fifteen-years-of-lies-and-betrayal trauma. Don't you DARE tell yourself that you have nothing to do with my pain; that you hold no fault in our separation. Be a man for once and take responsibility for your actions."

And then I hung up on him. 

I was ashamed of my outburst as soon as I hung up, and yet as I walked in to the house to make breakfast, I couldn't help but notice how much lighter I felt. It had been a relief to speak the truth without mincing words. I was tired of always trying so hard to say the "right" thing, to be empathetic, and see things from his point of view. 

That night as I journaled, I considered what it would take for me to even consider attempting reconciliation. J's behavior was making it clear that we would be starting from scratch, which meant that even if he began sprinting towards recovery, it would be a long race. 

Almost effortlessly, I wrote out 6 behaviors that, if I saw from him, might allow me to feel safe enough to attempt to support him in that marathon of recovery. 

*****

1) Radical Honesty. I need to experience consistent, unprompted honesty wherein you share every temptation, trigger, thought and action the same day. Be willing to divulge every detail. I need nothing less than complete and utter transparency. 

2) Take Full Responsibility. I need to see you make the connection between your actions and my pain. Instead of being angry at me for the distance between us, I need you to acknowledge that you've caused that distance by breaching trust and breaking covenants. I need to see you own the consequences of your actions instead of making excuses, minimizing, or shifting blame. 

3) Empathy. I need you to take my pain seriously and make extraordinary efforts to nurture through genuine empathy, without thought of reciprocation or 'what's in it for me'. 

4) Enthusiastically do whatever it takes to obtain recovery. This means taking the initiative to attend meetings, reach out for help, be honest and transparent, and humbly submit to anything I require in order to feel safe. I should never have to investigate, interrogate, or submit "proof" to justify my discomfort. You should be willing to go above and beyond, with gratitude, for the chance to redeem yourself and save this marriage. 

5) Progressive Victory Over Lust.  At this point, there should never be an opportunity to seek out pornography-- ever. If you are being honest and transparent, you will have obtained help long before you have the chance to go looking for it. Accidental exposure is one thing, but there is no excuse for seeking out pornography. That is addict behavior and I will not remain married to an addict. 

6) Respect. I need to feel that I am being respected as a human being with real worth, genuine feelings, and value as a Daughter of God. I am not an object for your pleasure. It is not my job to fill all your emotional holes or to 'fix' you in any way. I was not created to complete you. I need to see that my opinions, feelings, inspirations, and needs are just as valid as your own, and have them taken with equal consideration. 

*****

Much later, I ended up sharing the list with J, but even the practice of writing it out brought me so much comfort. I knew what recovery looked like, and I knew I could live with nothing less. That was both freeing and empowering.