The Rundown, Part 16

For the first time in my life, I was honestly feeling afraid of J. He had become unknown, and thus, unpredictable to me. 

When he dropped off the kids after his first weekend with them, our boys cried and begged him to stay for dinner. J told them that he'd love to, "but mommy doesn't want me here."

When my father in law emailed me with manipulative threats that divorce would guarantee my children would feel like second class citizens and leave the church, I told him to never voice his misplaced fears to me or my kids again; then started this blog and announced I'd give the link to anyone but J's boss or father. J was mortified, and instead of defending me, told me that I'd been "mean" and had unfairly embarrassed my father in law. 

Most hurtful of all, in an attempt to be honest and transparent, J emailed me every night with a copy of the journal entry he would send to his sponsor. Almost immediately, it was filled with accounts of the women he looked at, flirted with, and lusted after throughout the day. It was always said so casually-- as though it never even occurred to him that his behavior might be disturbing or even outside of the norm for any faithful, priesthood man. He seemed to operate under the assumption that every man looked at and objectified women this way. I knew that anything he was willing to divulge to me was probably just the tip of the iceberg, and what he was already revealing was so painful-- I shuddered to think what else there might be that he was in denial about. 

None of these had ever been things I'd have thought J capable of, which made me all the more afraid of what he would yet do. I simply didn't know him anymore. 

Before I'd come home, I had felt impressed to contact friends in my ward and let them know what I was dealing with, and that I'd need help and friendship when I returned. I was so grateful for that immediate support! Amid all the betrayal and mourning, I also had lunch dates, shoulders to cry on and company at the temple. I felt loved and cared for by sisters, which carried me through much of the confusion of that week. 

In the temple was the only place where my mind quieted and my heart felt at peace. It was there that I cried to the Lord as divorce seemed to solidify as a very real, very probable and very necessary outcome. I'd dreaded this kind of answer to prayer for years, and yet I could not deny the somber surety that had already begun to settle on me. 

J continued to push against my boundaries. He asked me out on dates. He hinted that we should have family activities together. He constantly crossed lines with the kids, telling them that this separation wouldn't last long and we'd all be back together in no time. His aggressive disregard for my safety and wishes meant that I was constantly taking steps to back away and protect myself even more. 

For months, we had been planning a trip to Europe, piggybacking on a film trip he was taking for work. We'd already purchased tickets and made arrangements, but as the time drew near for us to leave, I knew I wouldn't be able to bear sharing a holiday with him. I looked in to canceling my ticket, but it was non refundable. I could get credit with the airline, but they would charge a $300 rebooking fee. 

If I was honest with myself, I knew I would be resentful of J if he went off to Europe without me when I felt that he was responsible for my inability to join him. So I began to consider taking the planned flight, but then jumping off from there into my own solo vacation. 

I researched hostels and day trips and even nearby countries I could visit. One night, while watching Broen/Bron (The Bridge) I realized I could go see Malmo, Sweden and Copenhagen, Denmark-- the settings for the show! And while I was in London, I could take a train to Oxford and see all the Morse/Endeavor sites and the Harry Potter locations! I emailed J with my decision to travel separately, and started making plans. It was such a relief to have something to look forward to. I craved the adventure, solitude, and independence of it all. 

J was not very happy about that. 

{image}