Editor's Note

As I've been writing The Rundown series, I've noticed that the more distant the past, the easier it has been to write and process on paper. Now, as I'm nearing current-day in the chronological narrative, I'm having a hard time making sense of recent events. They're still raw and confusing and full of powerful emotions.

Initially, when I wrote The Rundown, Part 10, I skipped a whole year in the account. I tried to think about what had happened, and it all seemed so slippery.

It was a hard year, and part of me felt angry that I'd ignored my reservations and given J the benefit of the doubt, but there was also a large part of me that believed-- and still believes-- that loving someone is giving them that benefit of the doubt.

There were times that I felt we were making great strides. We were connecting in a way that was more genuine and deep than ever before. I would even venture to say that in the last 18 months, we've  had a better, more authentic relationship than we've ever had.

Part of me doesn't know how much of it was real.

Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? As the depth of J's addiction becomes more and more apparent to me, I begin to think that what we had were just glimpses. They were enough for him to see what he could have if he really wanted it, but the only changes he's sincerely made over the last 15 years have been in learning to appease me and keep his life looking the way he wants it to look.

I don't think he's ever been in true recovery.

So, the story is still convoluted and uncertain, but I've edited The Rundown, Part 10, Part 11 and added Part 12.

It's confusing, but an honest representation of how I feel about it at the moment.

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