Shortly after our miraculous Christmas, J got a wonderful new job. Steady income, benefits, completely in his field-- it was almost too good to be true! I was incredulous and happy, having braced myself for the worst, but J just seemed... irritated.
He constantly complained about how little attention I gave him, and became especially resentful towards the kids, as if jealous of the energy and affection they garnered from me. He fumed about our {lack of a} sex life. He accused me of being cold and unfeeling, saying that I never seemed to need him or miss him or look for ways to meet his needs. He bought books on bettering intimacy. He purchased sex toys. He huffed when we didn't instantly hop into bed together after a Friday night date. Mostly, he badgered me about my depression medication. He became convinced that they'd killed my libido and was suddenly intent on taking me to the doctor and getting things changed.
I remember distinctly a conversation we had while driving home from a date. He was going on and on about how hurtful it was that I didn't surprise him anymore; that we might as well not be married if we were going to live like roommates. I had a very clear impression-- almost like hearing someone say the word "pornography" right into my ear. I silently asked Heavenly Father if I should confront J, but felt that no-- I just needed to dismiss everything J was saying.
It was odd. As far as I knew, he had been in recovery and sober for over 3 years. I'd spent that time learning to turn to God as my primary source of attachment, and felt that now J simply needed to realize that I couldn't fill his emotional holes-- only the Lord could. All this blame he was spewing felt like misdirected angst. I actually saw it as growth-- that he'd never been taught how to regulate his emotions or had proper attachment modeled for him, and that this could be the beginning of something deep and significant.
Then, the week before our 13th wedding anniversary, I forgot to take my meds two days in a row and had a depressive crash. J was furious. He spent an hour riling against me, saying that I was irresponsible; that I was going to emotionally scar my children; that I never stopped to think of how unfair it was for him to have a wife with depression; that if he'd known I was going to be so unavailable to him, he would have seriously reconsidered marrying me. I'd never heard him say such vile things or look so disgusted with me. I was shocked, and completely, utterly crushed.
Well, if he thought we had no sex life before, he was about to find out what it was like to really have no sex life. :)
Of course, he later acted like nothing had happened and was perturbed when I didn't do the same. It was too late. I was on high alert, and again began praying that God would help me to see the situation clearly and discover whatever I needed to discover. {P.S. worst anniversary ever.}
It wasn't until Mother's Day that I was certain. My church calling left me free during the 3rd hour, so I found J and asked for his phone to call my mom. He hesitated. As I sat outside on the lawn, listening to the phone ring without an answer, I thought about that hesitation. The brief look of panic in his eyes. I hung up and opened his web browser. The internet history was completely empty, and immediately I knew.
Hands shaking, I asked for guidance. Again, I felt the impression that I needed to wait-- but keep myself safe.
I no longer remember how much time passed between then and the morning that he turned to me in bed and tried to start something. I shrugged him off. He sighed, got up to go to the bathroom and I drifted back to sleep. Half an hour later, I woke with a start, feeling as if someone had shaken me awake. I looked up and realized that J was still in the bathroom.
I couldn't look at him as he got ready and kissed the kids goodbye. As soon as he was out the door, I texted him.
I know what you were doing.
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