The Rundown, Part 11

As the new year began, I felt worn out by the internal struggle I'd been having ever since J had moved back. In an attempt to recapture peace and serenity, I determined that I would start focusing only on my own self image and self care.

I'd been steadily gaining weight, but couldn't seem to get myself to want to lose it, despite how I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. It became the reason I wouldn't let J touch me. In the back of my mind, I wondered if the weight wasn't a form of protection for me-- a cushion between J and I, since I was feeling so raw and exposed-- but instead of examining that thought too much, I latched onto the idea that "I am more than a body." I found it healing and empowering to think of my body as a tool to be used by me, not an ornament to be seen by others.

One afternoon, I was running through a neighboring development when a car drove past. The driver slowed down, and I watched as his head turned to follow me as I made my way down the street. Instantly, I was flooded with sickening rage. The desire to yell, hit his car, and give him the finger was absolute. I was disgusted and offended and ashamed all at once. I wanted to hide and wrap myself in a blanket and never, ever be objectified by a man again.

It was the first inkling that I might still be experiencing some major trauma.

A few months later, J and I began watching endless episodes of The Amazing Race. While we'd always been voracious consumers of movies, it had been nearly impossible to find entertainment that wasn't triggering for us. This left quite a void in both our time together and identity as a couple.

As we watched season after season in quick succession, we began to dream of what it'd be like to compete on the show. We made packing lists. We talked about strengths and weaknesses. We agreed that I would learn French, and he would learn Spanish. I would have to get over my fear of roller coasters and skydiving while he would have to become more detail-oriented and work on reading comprehension. We began making plans to travel more, to run and hike and get in shape.

What started as a joke {"Ask for directions, it's good practice for The Amazing Race!"} became a new form of couple-identity. We were bonding over something completely non-sexual, and it was helping us to start talking as though we had a future together-- one we looked forward to. Prepping for The Amazing Race became something tender and precious to me-- a daily reminder that we actually liked each other and could be a good team.

Happily, the year ahead proved to be full of opportunities to travel. We went to Alaska shortly after our 15 year anniversary, and I felt closer to J than I ever had before. I felt vigorous and alive as we immersed ourselves in the natural beauty all around us. I used my body every single day as a tool to get up a mountain, paddle down a river, or run around a lake, and it had an instantaneous result in changing how I felt about myself.

It was glorious-- we came home brimming with ideas for how we could incorporate these new-found passions into the life we were building for ourselves. We were seeing something new: a version of us that had transformed and grown from where we once were.

It was on this high note that I left to spend the summer with my parents...... but it didn't take long for it all to go to hell.

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